Identity Leaked

Apologies for being MIA for such a long period of time. I have been busy completing a summer internship. I would have thought that by now I would have had at least one adventure to report with one of the guys who also work there, but no such luck. However, I have been hired to work full time now at the same company so I’m sure that story will come along soon enough.

What’s consumed my thoughts over the last few days has to do with one of my closest friends. Let’s call him Matt. Matt sent me a lengthy email the other day, and as soon as I opened it my heart sunk. This dear friend of mine, one who has had strong feelings for me for quite some time (which I have been unable to reciprocate) told me he knew about both my blog AND that I was on online dating.

I had wondered why Matt seemed so distant over the last week, and the email pretty much summed up why.

I had mentioned to him several months ago to give online dating a shot, to see who else was out there. I guess he was bound to come across my profile eventually. If Matt had just come across that alone, it wouldn’t have been so upsetting. The fact that he also found out about my blog made me feel horrible… as I was to blame.

Several months ago, I had hinted I had a secret blog to him. I can’t even remember how it came up in conversation, although I said it; and of course, it got him curious. As I’m sure anyone would be, hearing the word ‘secret’ or ‘mysterious’. Matt told me that several times when we were screen-sharing through Skype either my email popped up or I had left a WordPress tab open accidentally. He apologized for invading my privacy (as it wasn’t any of his business) but he couldn’t help but search up the WordPress name that kept popping up and sure enough, he put two and two together.

I was so afraid of the inevitable that Matt would feel completely shattered reading all my stories if he came across this. Finding out I was meeting up with all these different guys to hopefully find my prince charming, when he had hoped that he could be that for me all along.

I told Matt I was proud of him for being so brave and honest. I told him that I care so deeply for him as a friend, but unless he worked through his anxieties and built up more confidence in himself, I could never be with him romantically.

Writing my blog posts have really opened my eyes to the type of guy I need in my life. Ultimately, I need to be true to myself, whether anonymous or real.

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Tinder P.2: Another One Bites the Dust

As promised, I’d follow up on my Tinder experiment. For those of you who didn’t read my last post, Tinder is an app for the iPhone which allows you to ‘hot or not’ local singles and if you get a match, you’d enter into a private chat with them. Most of the conversations I had were short, sweet and purely entertaining. I was ready to call it quits after the first two hours of downloading it until I started talking to my match, Cory (see last blog post).

The evening had rolled around and Cory still hadn’t called to follow up on our conversation from earlier. I had been looking forward to it as he made himself out to be a genuinely nice guy. Plus, we had mutual friends who I liked so there were definitely a lot of positives that made me hopeful about him. I waited that night as he was supposed to confirm making plans to go mini-putting the next day. I figured that maybe he just ended up going out with his buddies as it was a Saturday night so I went to bed thinking he’d probably send me a message early the next day.

I ended up sleeping in on Sunday. When I woke up, I checked my phone and I had no missed calls or texts from him. At that point I felt like something was up. Still, I stopped myself from messaging him as he said he would write to me.

Two days passed and still nothing. I was pretty shocked. Well, to be honest I half expected it to happen as I figured the majority of people don’t take the app seriously. It’s just more of a game / time waster. However I just felt there could be something there. So after the two days had passed I texted him and asked if everything was okay as I hadn’t heard from him. He still had me on Facebook so I just had no clue what was going on. Later that day I still got no response.

Perhaps he asked one of our mutual friends about me and they said something to turn him off. Maybe one of his friends simply just said to him it was way too sketchy to be thinking about meeting up with a girl from Tinder. Ultimately though, if he was swayed by his friends to stop talking to me, then I don’t need someone like that in my life. I ended up just deleting him off Facebook.

Another one bites the dust.

I keep asking the age old question: What’s wrong with me.

My girlfriends keep saying to me I need to ask myself more: What’s wrong with him. I did nothing wrong. He was the one who was so eager to give me his cell number and ask me out. Yet still I feel like I’m the one who did something wrong.

I’m still chasing after the wrong guys and I’m trying to veer away from that. How do you tell the bad from the good? Can’t I get a mixture of both?

Twenty Two Geese Later.

About a week ago, I stumbled across a guy’s profile on POF. He lived about an hour away which wasn’t too bad, had an extremely boy-ish quality about him in his pictures, and sounded down to earth from his description. The only red flag was that he was really into outdoorsy activities and so I wasn’t sure how compatible we’d be. Don’t get me wrong I like being outdoors… but preferably at a beach with a strawberry daiquiri in hand.

We ended up corresponding back and forth a few times on the site and he seemed genuinely interested in finding a girl to be with long term which was refreshing compared to a lot of guys I’ve recently gotten to know. He did make it clear how he lives and breathes being outdoors. So the probability of us ending up together was still on the fence, but I was still interested to see where our conversation would go.

We ended up moving our conversation to Facebook (Limited Profile settings in place). I know some of you may think it’s crazy of me to add someone I barely know on Facebook. However, I feel as though it’s a great way to see how they talk to their friends and the type of language they use. Of course ideally you wouldn’t come across anything shocking, and if anything, what you’d see would get you more excited to get to know the other person better.

I hate the term ‘stalking’ but I casually perused his profile pictures and came across some pictures of him in a camouflage suit holding a gun. This immediately raised another reg flag so I asked him what that was about. He told me he hunts… frequently. I was a bit caught off guard. Out of all my online experiences to date, I hadn’t yet communicated with a guy who hunted.

This past Sunday he sent me a text message asking me how I was doing. I mentioned I had developed a bad cold and he responded:

Awww! Just tired. Hunted hard all weekend.

Me: Oh. What did you hunt?

22 geese! (Attaches pictures of him and his friend kneeling behind a row of 22 dead geese… which I’m not going to post to avoid traumatizing any of my readers).

Me: What did you do with them afterwards? :(

Eat em. Why.

Me: Just wondering.

Oh ya. What did you do this weekend?

I never responded as I was unsure what to do with this guy. So many questions were running through my mind. I didn’t want to judge him for hunting, but it definitely wasn’t something I was used to hearing about. Twenty two geese?! Isn’t that a lot? I felt bad for the geese. Do people eat geese? I couldn’t take all the geese questions running through my head and wanted all of it to just fly away.

Wednesday he writes again:

Hey.

This morning he writes again:

Hey.

I had thought hard about what to do and concluded it was better I didn’t continue talking to him. I felt like the two of us had very different interests and it would never work out in the end. However, I didn’t want to come across rude. I responded with:

Hey. To be honest you seem like a really nice guy but I think our interests are pretty different so I just don’t think it would work out in the end. :(

He responds:

Ahaha so we can’t be friends? Aha.

Just as I’m about to respond, he writes again:

Never mind. You know what. Fuck it. You shouldn’t have a chance to enjoy me. Ahaha. See ya.

Seconds later I saw he beat me to the punch deleting me off Facebook.

I’d love to hear each of your takes on this story.

Exposed and Vulnerable

An HBO show I’ve been obsessing over since its 2012 premiere is Lena Dunham’s “Girls.” The story follows the lives of several 20 something year olds in New York City and the challenges and tribulations they face along the way. The script is raw, real and relates so well to every other 20 something year old who has or most likely will experience similar life situations.

Dunham both directs and acts as the lead role ‘Hannah’ who plays her character so well; projecting to all her viewers such confidence in her own skin and makes us feel secure and inspired, knowing that we aren’t going through our day to day’s life challenges alone.

In the most recent episode that aired this week, Hannah was introduced to her next door neighbour who was in his 40s. What was initially meant to be an awkward meeting about dumping her garbage in his disposal bin ended up leading into a torrid sexual relationship. Everything was heated and passionate and he invited her to stay the night at his house. The following day she found herself in such a natural, happy place with him. Once the evening arrived, she came to the realization that she was worth feeling and being in a state of happiness. She fell apart in front of him, leaving herself completely vulnerable and exposed. As she continued talking he listened but you could sense he was withdrawing from the conversation and wasn’t as engaged and responsive as she hoped he would be.

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Just like Hannah, I am constantly trying to get myself outside my comfort zone and experience things I would have never thought I would. The problem is aside from all the crazy adventures and life experiences and being there for my friends and family, I need to also make my own state of happiness a priority. Would I necessarily strip down all my feelings and insecurities on the second day of being with a guy? Probably not or else he’d start backing off a bit. When I told my best guy friend that I always have heart to heart conversations with my sister and we talk about how we’re feeling, he just looked at me strangely and said he never does with his brother. For most guys, it’s hard to open up and I guess for girls it’s different because it’s something we constantly do.

I think it’s important to share you’re feelings with someone you deeply care about, but you can’t engulf the guy with all your feelings in 20 minutes. It’s something that will naturally take time as you continue getting to know one another.

I question whether I opened up too much about my experience level with the most recent guy I’ve been seeing. That was a week ago and as much as I thought he was okay with moving slowly and getting to know me more he’s definitely been more distant. He’s still been texting and asking me how I’m doing but it’s been a week, and still no hint towards wanting to go out again. Truly, it’s probably for the better. As if I fully gave myself to him and that’s all he wanted, I’d probably never forgive myself.

Girls – at what point is it okay to start opening up about your feelings to the guy you’re seeing? Guys – what’s your take on all of this?

Are My Values Old-Fashioned?

Since my last blog post, I want to give a big shout out to my amazing followers! Some of you gave such great insight as to how I should approach the situation with the guy I’ve recently been dating. I agreed that since the last text I had sent him didn’t exactly warrant any response, I thought I’d write a casual message the next day (Thursday) asking how class was. After I sent the text I went out with a few of my girlfriends and felt satisfied knowing I tried my best and if he really wanted to see me again, he’d make the effort. Sure enough an hour later he wrote to me while in his class. It was the reassurance I needed that he had a nice time on our last date. Our conversation led to him asking me if I wanted to hang out today (Friday) if I wasn’t busy. I had a class this morning but we made plans for me to go over to his place in the afternoon once I got home since he didn’t have the car til later.

I arrived and things immediately picked up from where they left off several days before. We started watching Anchorman (one of his favourite movies) but I wasn’t getting the humour so much so we moved to playing a game of pool in his basement. The attraction was building up again as we played the game and afterwards we lay down on his couch and decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite – well… we caught bits and pieces of it ;).

Things started to get more physical and part of me was nervous to be more intimate with him as I could tell he wanted more but I wasn’t yet sure where our relationship status was. After all… it was only date #3. I knew he had a lot more experience than me which I have no problems with except for the fact that I sensed he wanted more and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I guess I’m still saving myself for that special guy who is fully into me and I trust not to go around behind my back and be with other girls. I’ve never experienced the chemistry I’ve had with this ‘fish’ by date #3 in comparison with the other dozen. When I was just lying there in his arms I thought it would be an appropriate time to be honest with him about how I felt. He was a bit surprised at first and said he didn’t expect to hear that but he was very sweet and said he was willing to go at whatever pace I wanted and just to tell him if things were getting too intense.

He had mentioned that his mom was arriving home around 5 and he wanted her to think I was just a mutual friend who wanted a ‘guitar lesson’. I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t comfortable with telling his mom the truth as I’m fairly open about it with my parents. However, I went with it as it was only date #3… so when we heard the door open we grabbed his two guitars and practiced strumming the strings. I was actually doing very well and he taught me how to play the chords to Green Day’s ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’. Then we went up to the main floor as he said he’d give me a ride home earlier. Before we got out the door his mom appeared and he introduced us. She seemed very sweet. He mentioned to his mom he was going to give me a ride home… I wonder if she still bought the story after that. I mean… how many students who come over for a ‘guitar lesson’ really get a personal drive home?

Anyways, I’ve subscribed to Matthew Hussey’s blog posts for awhile now (if you haven’t heard of him – he is a life coach / life strategist and talks a lot about relationships from a male’s perspective – check out GetTheGuy on my Blogroll). In his post ‘The Question You Should Avoid Asking On A First Date’, it says:

  1. Just looking for a relationship scares a guy – it makes him feel like you are using him to cover up your own loneliness. This neediness scares him off.
  2. Most men don’t know they want a relationship until they have fallen for you.

So I completely agree and never really thought about it that way before. However, now that date #3 has already happened and things are getting more intimate, I’m not sure what to do or if I should approach the conversation with him. So far it seems he doesn’t want to be attached to a relationship right now (as he just got out of a 4 year relationship several months ago) and is looking for fun. Except I’m faced with the issue of wanting to be more physical with him but silently freaking out inside about perhaps getting heart broken. I know the risk of that happening is just as probable while in a proper relationship, but still I want to know he’s not seeing other girls if I take the next step.

Is that too much to ask? Is the relationship status talk too soon?

Butterflies: Fantasy or Fact?

I thought I’d post a follow up to my banker boy blog post.

We ended up going out on date #2 last week and it was a perfect evening. We started at Indigo where he told me to meet him outside, for me to find him holding a beautiful single pink and white rose to present to me. I was flattered but extremely caught off guard, as I had never been given one on a date before. He continued being a perfect gentleman throughout the evening. He bought us ice cream — and then he drove us to a romantic spot where we could walk down a path by a beautiful pond. There were benches and a gazebo. After having finished our ice creams on the bench, we walked down the path a bit and we had our arms around each other. I felt comfortable but then we approached a spot overlooking the water which was ideally the perfect spot for a first kiss. He still had his arm around me and we glanced at each other several times but neither leaned in to make the first move. Then there was the awkward silence staring out into the crystal blue water.

I began overanalyzing the entire situation, wondering why I wasn’t feeling butterflies in my stomach to kiss him. I thought to myself maybe that just means I’m not attracted to him. Isn’t one supposed to feel those butterflies by date #2? Especially in such a romantic setting? Option 2 was I was just overtaken with nerves, believing he had much more experience than me and was afraid of messing everything up.

You see, I’m used to dating younger, immature boys who don’t typically give me roses or compliments. I like the chase. I feel safe knowing they are approximately at the same level I am in regards to dating and aren’t looking for anything serious at the beginning. Whereas, this guy I was with was very much the opposite — and his eagerness to please made me scared and back off a bit (almost convincing myself I wasn’t attracted to him as a defense mechanism).

Now my friends believe attraction does need to be there to a certain level, but a relationship builds over time. I should stop over thinking things, and if I don’t feel comfortable with the speed at which things are progressing and I genuinely like him as a person (which I do) — I just need to be honest.

So which type of guy would you typically go for and what do you think are the most important qualities you look for. Is it just a fairy tale fantasy to think those butterflies should be there by date #2?