After what happened with business boy, my self-esteem felt completely shattered and I began second guessing all my judgements. I always believed that my my intuition was so spot on, but lately I’ve felt my radar has been way off the mark. I can’t understand how I could feel a date could go so unbelievably well without one trace of concern, only to never hear from the guy again. It’s not like I remember throwing my hot chocolate at him.
Despite the consensus that business boy was childish, immature and he didn’t deserve to be with me… it’s still been hard for me to fully grasp what happened. For those of you who haven’t read about him, part 1 is ‘My Chocolate was Hot on Easter Sunday‘ and part 2 was ‘The Mercedes was a Rental?‘
I never got the closure I needed. I even sent him a message on Facebook following the text, giving him a few possible scenarios I was thinking it could have been. All I needed was a short response letting me know what it was that turned him off so much that he couldn’t even say ‘sorry, it’s just not meant to be’.
He’s a jerk. An immature jerk.
I kept telling myself this but an overwhelming feeling of sadness couldn’t lift. Of all the countless date I’ve been on, he seemed the most mature and treated me on our date the way I should have been treated on most of my dates before him. He paid my bill, asked me lots of questions, we connected on so many levels and he even drove me home (in a very classy car, might I add). So despite him being a jerk and possibly even an actor, I was just sad because it was truly one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.
Yesterday, I saw on the dating site on which I met him that he wasn’t visible under my search anymore. I presumed he took it down because of whatever ‘horrible thing’ I did to turn him off online dating. However, last night I was looking at my Facebook and saw on my news feed he had just recently become friends with someone I went to high school with. I remember she was just like me. Very sweet, also loved cats and we were both heavily involved in drama. Something in my brain just immediately wanted to check to see if she had created an account on the dating site in which I met him. I did a search and my whole face immediately got tense and I was ready to burst into tears when I saw she had in fact created an account. That must of meant he blocked me and was now talking to her. If it was anyone else but her I would have been fine with it. The fact we were so similar, made me only think the deciding factor was appearance. I remember she was really pretty, and quite a bit shorter than me. Not that height was an issue as he was still much taller than me but of course, at that point, I felt very insecure and self-critical.
I needed time for myself last night to just let out everything I was feeling and calm down/reflect in my room. Today I’m feeling a lot better, but the insecurities are still floating and I need to try and fight them. Him not responding led me to my own final conclusion which was that he was a completely shallow, immature man who thought that ignoring me would get him out of dealing with the situation.
So perhaps I need to start thinking more about the type of guy I’m trying to get. I need to reflect and examine the very sweet guys that have been interested in me that I’ve rejected in the past and the guys that have rejected me and start thinking realistically about the type of guy I need versus the fantasy of what I want. Online dating will still be there but I am not going to rely on it to find someone. I’m going to live life to the fullest this summer and stay hopeful that the right guy will come into my life when I least expect him to.
What do you think? Have you ever been through the same period of self-reflection?