Leaving on a Jet Plane

Ryan and I lay in each others arms on my bed. Burning tears were streaming down my cheeks, as I burrowed my head into his chest. “It’s going to be okay, baby” he said, holding onto me tightly and kissing my forehead. I looked up into his eyes which were red and cloudy with tears.

Around 2AM I walked downstairs with him, gripping onto his shirt tightly until we got to the front door. He tilted my head up and wiped away my tears with his finger. “We will always be in each others lives… don’t forget that”. I nodded and we gave each other one last kiss before he walked out. I stood by the door sobbing, with an awful, heart-wrenching pain that I had never experienced before.


After 9 incredible months of dating Ryan from JSwipe, it was time to say farewell to one another. Ryan was accepted into a PhD program half way around the world, which will take about 4 years to complete.

We knew about 3 months in that he would be leaving to go. It wasn’t an easy time in our relationship. At that point we were developing strong feelings for one another, and I hated the though of him leaving me. It was a difficult decision, but Ryan knew he couldn’t turn it down. It was one of the most prestigious and competitive programs in his field of study.

I could have ended the relationship at that point to avoid the heartbreak and sadness later on. However, I knew I had to let my fears go – not willing to give up the special bond we had.

We carried forward and went on a countless number of dates. Between our lazy nights at home watching American Horror Story, going to The Zoo, spending the night at a fancy hotel for his birthday and slow dancing together at his sisters wedding – we made so many wonderful memories together.

Before we knew it, October arrived and it was inevitable to talk about the future of our relationship. It was a very tough and emotional discussion to have, but ultimately it was decided that we weren’t going to try and do long-distance. As much as we cared for one another deeply, it would be very tough to be apart from one another for so long. As well, I needed the opportunity to explore other relationships – as this is all very new to me… in order to compare and decide what exactly I want in a life time partner.

I can finally say to the whole blogosphere that I did find love, and it has been an absolutely incredible journey to get to this point (even though it meant I had to experience heart break). A part of me will always love Ryan – we plan on staying in each others lives forever. We’ve been talking frequently since he landed – and I look forward to video chatting with him in a day or two once he is all settled in.

Who knows – maybe he will end up being the one I’m meant to be with forever. For now, my journey continues, and I hope you will stay along for the ride.

(Everything I Do) I Do It For You

About a month ago I told you about Advertising Boy. Since then, we exchanged phone numbers and have been texting each other frequently. We constantly smile and make small conversation as we pass each other at work and occasionally sit in the kitchen together for lunch.

About a week after we started texting – I asked if he wanted to step out for lunch with me to go to a farmer’s market across the street from where we worked. He said yes! Despite the rain downpour that arrived soon after we got there – we had a nice time! I learned we both enjoyed live music, had similar family values, career goals and aspirations. He had the most gorgeous smile which I couldn’t stop melting over every time I looked at him.

That same week – a co-worker had sent out an all-staff email letting us know there would be a free Bryan Adams concert in our city on July. 23rd. It was first come first serve for the seats – so I immediately texted AB asking if he liked Bryan Adams and sure enough he said yes, and that he’d love to go see him.

The day of the concert arrived and I was a bundle of nerves, at the same time very excited for our “first date”. We had to be at the venue for 7pm. Both of us had to stay late at work to finish up a project – so we left together at 5:45pm. We decided it would be better to go to a mall close by the theatre and grab something from the food court (as that way we would get our food quickly and make it to the concert in time).

We arrived at the venue right at 7pm and took our seats in one of the 4-seater boxes to the right of the stage. We probably had one of the best seats in the house.. not to mention it was very romantic being in such a small, private section. It was one of the most incredible concerts either of us had been to. Bryan Adams was amazing, and we sang along to each and every one of his songs. When he started playing (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, we got a bit closer and our arms and legs were touching. We looked over at each other and smiled.

After the concert he asked if I wanted to go grab a coffee but it was already half past 10 and I knew it would take another hour to get home (and we had work the next day). He walked to the subway with me and once we got there, we both said we had a really nice time and we gave each other a really nice hug goodbye. There was a second there I thought he’d go for a kiss, but the hug was good enough for me. He told me to text him to let him know I got home safe.

I just got home! Thanks for a great evening. :) Had so much fun.

AB: That was fun! I had a great time as well. So mad its over haha. Okay gnite see you tomorrow!

Night!!

The next day at work – my co-worker that had sent out the email about the Bryan Adams concert came up to my desk and asked if I had a nice time. I looked at him and said yes, I did. He then proceeded to tell me that he saw AB and me together. My jaw dropped. I said we just went as friends and he replied..

Whatever you say. *wink face*

The truth of the matter is that we are still just in the “friend” phase, and I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s almost better to start it off as a friendship and see where it goes. I can see he still checks his OKC page.. as do I… so I’m not getting too excited just yet. Definitely feel it’s off to a good start though!

Spring has Sprung, but not My Love Life

I thought I’d kick off the first day of Spring by grabbing Gelato with my latest Tinder match, David. We had started talking on March. 15. David and I had a few mutual friends, and didn’t live too far from one another. I made it clear right off the bat that I wasn’t looking for a casual hookup, and he felt the same way. Once that was out of the way, we started getting into a lengthy conversation through our Tinder messages. By day 2, he asked for my cell number, and so the conversation continued via texting. We talked about practically everything; where we went to school, places we’ve traveled, family, friends, likes/dislikes.. the list goes on for miles.

By day 3, we added each other on the iPhone application called Snapchat. What I really like about this app, is that you can send instant pictures and videos to one another for a certain number of seconds – which gives me a sense of relief, knowing their face matches that of their pictures. David and I also made plans to meet on Thursday (today).

By day 4, we must have sent at least 100 text messages back and forth between one another. We still hadn’t spoken on the phone. I had thought of bringing up the option several times but by this point, it didn’t really make sense as I had plans to meet him the next day.

I met up with David after work today, around 5:15pm. To sum up our date… we certainly clicked and there weren’t any long, awkward pauses as I thought there might be. However, I felt the conversation fell a bit flat. It was a bit of a let down as we really didn’t have any of the first date conversation topics left. I wasn’t ready to jump into talking about anything more serious, so all we had left to talk about was how work was and the weather (and that’s a sign to get out!) I also quite honestly didn’t feel the physical attraction was there in person, even though I did find him cute in his pictures.

After about an hour and a half – not even.. we decided to head our separate ways. There was no mention of seeing each other again.

A valuable lesson I’ve taken away from this – is that when you start talking to someone new.. you shouldn’t get to know each others full life story before you meet. It’s important to get to know each other in person. Otherwise, it may sometimes feel like a big let down and disappointment.

So yes, spring has officially sprung, but my love life is unfortunately still pretty cold.

Post Valentines

I still had a great Valentines Day despite being single. My whole day was filled with lots of love from my family and friends. Sure – it stung a little bit on the subway ride home from work to see guys holding a single rose stem for their girlfriend; and hearing the musician in the station playing the traditional song you walk down the aisle to. However, I came home to a beautiful Italian themed dinner my dad cooked for my family. Followed by chocolate fondue with strawberries and bananas!

I woke up this morning feeling a bit down. I had hoped to see the guy from LinkedIn – Zach at some point this weekend but it’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride with him since my last blog post…

About a week after we met for coffee, I sent him another version of his character. He sent back changes – so then a few days following, I sent him an updated version. Then came more changes. By this point I had spent over 15 hours designing the character for him – and I had only charged about 1/4 of the time spent.

Zach was such a charmer and I totally fell under his spell. Whenever I agreed to make another small change – he would send me heart signs back. Those hearts gave me hope he was still interested in seeing me again.

By the end of January, I was close to finishing his character and he sent me his final list of small edits.

Me: You owe me a week away after this.

Zach: Haha I know. (heart sign)

Me: You better hold up to your end of the deal.

Zach: I’m a man of my word. ;)

February 9, I sent Zach the final versions to post to his page. I was so excited that the character was done, and we could finally make plans to meet again to go for celebratory drinks. Unfortunately for me, ever since I’ve sent him the final designs – the hearts have stopped and his messages have been less frequent.

He ended up paying me more than what he was supposed to which was nice of him. However, still no mention on his part of going out again. That brings us to February 12.

Me: So when are we going to celebrate?

Zach: I dunno well have to see. :0

Me: Okay.

… Disappointment washed over my face and my heart sunk. ‘We’ll have to see..’ What the hell does that mean? Is that code word for, sorry but I’m not interested anymore? Is he just too obsessed with his gaming that he can’t commit to a time to see me? Maybe he started seeing someone else?

I don’t even know what to think. I feel pretty used and taken advantage of. He totally led me on. I wish I had a happier ending here, although it’s not to say this is for sure the ending. What do you think. Time to move on?

Tinder Experiment: Found a Match

As a graduation gift last week, my family bought me an iPhone. Ever since I started using it, I can’t understand why I stuck with the Blackberry for so long. I can download ten times as many applications without the phone freezing on me, and the resolution and picture quality is infinitely better than what I had.

One of my followers, Dayna, suggested I try out a mobile application called Tinder. Having investigated it a bit more on my new phone, I learned it was similar to a ‘hot or not’ app you could find on Facebook a few years ago. You download the Tinder app to your phone, connect to your Facebook account and then select the distance/proximity you want your matches to be within. It didn’t take me any longer than two minutes to configure that. Then, I was presented with the image of a guy, below it stating how old he was, if we shared any mutual friends / any similar interests from Facebook. Below that I could decide whether to ‘x’ him or ‘heart’ him. If I were to heart him (which meant I liked him), and he liked me back, it would instantly pop up saying we were a match which would then enter us into a private chat.

So I began my x’s and hearts and couldn’t believe how fast an hour went by. I had actually come across some of the guy’s I had talked with before on other online dating websites.

I had about 15 matches already so at that point I decided to look through them. A few had already sent me a message:

1. Hey, whats up?

2. Did you catch the Leafs game? :(

3. If I were to flip a coin, what are the chances I’d get head? .. almost made me delete the app instantly.

4. Are you also drowning your sorrows in beer after that Leafs game?!

5. Post leafs game fail hangout?

6. THE LEAFSSSSS. NOOOOOOOO.

Yes, I am proud to be a Canadian. However, to be honest I didn’t really follow the Leafs much this season. I did watch the final game against Boston, so I at least understood why all these guys were so upset about it. Still, I found it kind of interesting that they all just started talking to me casually like we knew each other for a long time. After a bit of correspondence back and forth with two of them, that was the end of it. It was like they just needed to vent about the Leafs to someone cute and then move on. Bizarre!

So I was ready to call it quits with this app when a new guy popped up as a match. Let’s call him Cory. From the same city, same age, ten mutual friends and pretty cute! I thought why not send him a message. I learned that he studied finance and went to a high school I was familiar with. Cory was asking me questions aside from anything that had to do with the Leafs, which was refreshing! Our conversation was going pretty well and about half an hour later he gave me his Facebook and said for me to feel free to add him there.

Of course like any curious girl would do, I searched him and saw he had 600 Facebook friends and no shirtless profile pictures. He passed the initial test. So I added him (put my Limited profile on). Soon after he added me back and sent me a private message saying:

Good Find! Facebook Chat is much more legit!

From there we continued talking for quite awhile. I asked why he got Tinder in the first place. He said it was going around his campus awhile ago and he just checks it from time to time to see who is out there. He told me he was open to dating if the right girl came along. I was really starting to like him and he seemed very nice. It also put me at ease to know that our mutual friends were people I consider very nice and genuine. Conversation was going so well.

This morning I asked him how he was doing. After a few messages back and forth he gave me his cell number and asked if I wanted to grab coffee tomorrow. I was kind of excited, but didn’t want to get myself too worked up after what happened on my last coffee date. I suggested maybe we do something a little different like mini putting. My last experience doing that was fun and made me feel really comfortable. He thought that sounded great and so I told him to give me a call later on tonight to finalize plans. He said he would.

So thank you Dayna for giving me the idea to try out Tinder. It was an interesting experiment, and it has been a bit of a confidence booster. I will definitely let you all know how the phone conversation goes tonight and how mini putting goes tomorrow!

Do you think this is an insane way to meet a guy? Do you believe it’s ‘sketchier’ than an online dating website?

Little Boy Blue

Hope you didn’t think I forgot about you! It’s been quite the crazy last few weeks. I wrapped up my final University classes/presentations and can officially say I am done! However, I don’t think it will really sink in until I wear the graduation robe and shake the President’s hand in June. My feelings are pretty mixed about being finished. On one hand I am very excited to start a new chapter in my life and continue meeting new people and stepping outside my comfort zone. On the other hand, I have made such amazing friendships at my school that it will be very strange not seeing them around everyday.

I had talked to you awhile back in my post ‘More Than a Friend’ about a guy I’ve known since my second year of University that I instantly developed a strong bond with. Since then, our friendship has grown leaps and as time went on, he started developing strong, romantic feelings for me. I so wished I could reciprocate those feelings and have that happily ever after with him. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t see us as going past a platonic friendship. I considered him my best guy friend. Someone who I felt completely comfortable talking to about anything, with full assurance everything would remain between the two of us. Sadly, the physical attraction was never there on my end. He suffers from several health conditions, which makes him very self-conscious of his body image and as well struggles with self-confidence. He is also very shy to begin with and after having gotten to know him for three years, he opens up to me much more than his family. I knew that deep down it couldn’t go any further than platonic as I needed that special person in my life to have that level of confidence to push mine higher. Perhaps the attraction could grow if I was open to giving it a chance. However, the fact that I know how self-conscious he is and all the struggles he deals with makes it hard for me to be open to more between us. I casually mentioned to him when we first had this discussion that maybe it would be good for him to talk to someone to help deal with the struggles he faced, but he was very opposed to the idea. He said:

I have you.

I valued how he felt so open to talk to me about his feelings. However, I didn’t think it was healthy to not have any other close friends to talk to and felt it was important he was able to open up to someone else aside from me.

After all of this happened several months ago and we were completely honest with one another, I felt our friendship was strong enough to get through it (as hard as I knew it was for him). This leads us to today.

We were at school clearing out our lockers and fixing a final project to go on display for an upcoming graduate show. As I was eating lunch with him in the student cafe, I could tell he appeared sad. I asked him what was on his mind. He said:

A lot of things.

I asked:

Like what?

He was being kind of vague so I simply started listing off a few things. I asked if it could be about finishing school and not really having any definite next plans. He said that was part of it. I then asked if it had to do with me and being sad that we weren’t going to see each other as often. I could tell from his reaction to that line it was definitely part of it. He proceeded to tell me how he thought I knew how much he cared about me. It was hard on him recently when other students would ask if the two of us were dating. I guess being because we spent a lot of time together at school. He still couldn’t wrap his head around why I didn’t want to be with him. The more he talked, the more I felt sick and upset and I couldn’t form the right responses. I simply said to him how much I cared about him, but I just still didn’t see us as more than platonic. I told him that I felt he really needed to talk to someone about everything going on and feel better about himself/take better care of himself before I were to even consider that. He said:

That’s the thing though. I feel I can only get better when I’m around you. I feel totally comfortable around you.

Still, he would never wear a t-shirt around me. He still suffered from social anxieties and health issues – which I don’t think I could take on in a romantic relationship. I needed to breathe and so I made up an excuse to go to the washroom. After having taken some time to gather my thoughts together, I returned to the table and said:

I would really like to book for the two of us to see a therapist. We have health insurance through school and I feel it would be really healthy for our friendship to talk to someone at least once. Please at least think about it.

He was still very skeptical and didn’t seem like he would. I couldn’t say anymore other than to let me know his decision this weekend. The subway ride home was pretty uncomfortable. There was a lot of silence and small casual talk. When his stop arrived he said:

You’re still my best friend.

I said:

You are mine too. Don’t worry, we will get through this.

I really hope we can. What do you think of my situation and suggestion to him?

I Fed Him French Fries for Crying Out Loud!

Since I got back from vacation, I feel as though I’ve been cursed. First, I had a very hard time getting back into my work routine (although who wouldn’t after having just spent 7 days in the Caribbean?) Next, the guy I’ve been dating has backed off and hasn’t reached out to hang out since I got home. I never even received a ‘welcome back’ text or call from him. Just to top everything off, I’ve come down with a wicked cold and have been battling with a sore throat that will just not go away. Oh, and did I mention I have a crucial design conference coming up this Saturday?

Not that the past week and a half has been all bad. It’s been nice to catch up with my close friends again and I’ve also gone in for a job interview. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the paid internship but they did rave about my portfolio which is a boost to my confidence.

I’m just mainly upset about how this guy I’ve been smitten over the last few weeks has slowly been backing off. I did understand from the beginning he had recently come out of a long relationship and wasn’t looking for anything serious right away. However, my feelings were developing fast for him. I didn’t want them to, but he was really the first guy I’ve felt such an intense physical attraction/connection with. On top of that I always felt comfortable being around him and besides his child like immaturity at times, I loved it because it got me to loosen up and just live in the moment.

I even bought him a little token from one of the islands I visited. I’m upset that I thought about him so much, since clearly he hasn’t felt the same. It’s just hard to wrap my head around that since I hung out with him the day before I left for vacation. He gave me absolutely no signals that he wasn’t interested. We went tobogganing on a hill (that should probably be blocked off due to safety hazards), and then went to buy some burgers. Before getting the burgers we kissed for awhile in his car and I really felt like we were at a good pace in our relationship and felt hopeful about where things could go. After buying the burgers, he told me he had to drop me off (we couldn’t stay to eat) since his mom needed the car back and he had his older brother’s birthday party to attend. I wasn’t upset he didn’t invite me to come with, as we still weren’t exclusive. However, I would have loved to spend more time with him.

So I fed him french fries as we drove home as we blared 102.1 The Edge and I just felt… happy.

He kissed me goodnight and I got home wishing I didn’t have to leave for vacation so soon.

Now that I’m back I can’t help but question if there’s a new girl in his life feeding him french fries. I saw he was on the dating site the other day which was a bit upsetting but again, we weren’t exclusive so why should I be upset. I messaged him several days after I got back telling him I was home and he’s been making casual conversation. Even still asking me questions so not just providing one line responses. So what’s the deal??

I feel I deserve better. I want a guy who will take me on actual dates and won’t play mind games with me. However, I feel like I need closure from all of this and trying to figure out the best way to do it without scaring him off. Any suggestions? Also – any fast working cold remedies?