A True South African Gentleman

Quick update on Matt: What an idiot. I have not heard from him since he came over to my house. Clearly he was just looking to hook up. I was naive enough to think he was going to make more of an effort a second time around.

Moving on to a happier note. This may be a shock to many of you but I have a new potential love interest from… Tinder. I know what you’re thinking: this coming from the girl who vowed to stop using the app after her last Tinder experience. See ‘Tinder P.2: Another One Bites the Dust‘.

Since then I had stopped liking pictures and initiating conversations. However, I completely forgot my profile was still floating in Tinder land. The last week of May, I got a notification on my phone saying ‘You’ve got a new match’. This reminded me I still had the app and just as I was about to delete it, that match messaged me. Tinder told me that Jonathan was 16 miles away, we had 3 mutual friends, and our shared interests were the TV show, Modern Family, and the band, Deadmau5. I could see four pictures of him and couldn’t believe how handsome he was. In fact, he looked pretty similar to my high school Disney crush, Zac Efron. I’m sure some of you secretly loved watching him as Troy Bolton in the Disney movie ‘High School Musical’, in his Wild Cats jersey and rocking the long, shaggy haircut.

I decided Jon would be the last guy I talked to on Tinder before calling it quits. We started off just talking casually. I asked how he knew our mutual friends. I learned one of them was a family friend of his from when he grew up in South Africa. I thought that was so neat, as my mom also grew up there. The more we talked, the more interested I was in learning more about him.

We added each other on Facebook and started messaging each other on a daily basis. We were both equally fascinated in one another, and couldn’t believe how many similarities we shared. I learned that we both had very artistic families, shared similar music tastes and were both very family oriented. He shared with me that he was at a point in his life where he was looking to find someone to share his life with. I was certainly beginning to get excited about this guy!

Over the last two weeks of writing to Jon, I keep becoming more and more infatuated with him and wonder whether what we have can translate to something real. We spoke on the phone for the first time last night. Might I add it went on for two hours! I couldn’t believe it. Conversation flowed as smoothly as it did writing back and forth. We didn’t run out of things to talk about. He talked and communicated so sincerely. Oh, and the slight South African accent was just a bonus! We even Skyped last night. I was so nervous about it, but seeing him on webcam, vice versa, felt so comfortable and we had a great time. Afterwards I headed to bed with quite the cheesy, large grin on my face.

While I was fast asleep, he sent me a text message at 12:36AM saying: I want you to wake up and read that I actually can’t stop thinking about you :D

So sure enough when I woke up this morning and read that text, it made me feel so amazing. My intuition tells me this guy is very genuine and the real deal. He’s not the type to play games. He even told me he’s talked to his family and best friends about me which is exciting yet nerve racking at the same time. Of course there is still the constant fear of whether he won’t like me when we meet in person. I guess only time will tell.

We are planning to meet within the next week and a half and I’m hopeful that something great will come out of this. Who knows, maybe this South African gentleman will be my Disney prince.

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12AM by the Fireplace. Meow.

Last night I received a text message from French Fry boy. Let’s call him Matt. You can get a bit of a recap from my blog posts, I Fed Him French Fries for Crying Out Loud! and I’m Just a Playful Girl at Heart.

To summarize, I started talking to Matt at the beginning of January and there was an immediate attraction from both sides. He had just gotten out of a pretty long term relationship so we casually hung out a few times over the next month. By casual, I mean either hanging out at one of our houses or occasionally going out mini-putting or tobogganing. Whenever I was around him, he made me feel like a giddy school girl. Still, at the same time he scared me, as he had quite a bit more sexual experience and I felt our relationship was progressing faster than I was used to. In fact, further than I had gone with any relationship in the past. I liked where it was going, although I wasn’t ready to give myself for the first time to a guy who I didn’t sense was ready to be exclusive. I knew it would be absolutely heart breaking if he were to just drop me for the next girl afterwards. I went at a pace I was comfortable with. Then, when I got back from my trip to the Caribbean in February, he made no effort to see me. In all fairness, we were both very busy with finishing up the last few months of school. Still, the fact that nothing came of our relationship once I got back was upsetting, but I accepted it.

Matt and I continued talking casually through text – a bit more frequently as of a month ago. Things had calmed down for both of us school wise. I really didn’t think anything more would happen between us up until last night when he asked me if I wanted to hang out as his mom was out of town. His friend was coming in from Burlington to visit him around 7PM so he’d let me know when he’d be free to pick me up. I messaged him around 9PM to let him know my parents would be out between 9:30-11:30PM and that he should just come over to hang out with me. I didn’t get any response. I was waiting and waiting and still, at 11PM I hadn’t heard from him. I couldn’t believe it and was ready to officially write him off when he messaged me at 11:30PM saying he had just dropped his friend off at the bus stop. Matt asked if he could pick me up to go over to his house for an hour or two and then he’d drop me back off at my house.

I was thinking about it and first off, I wasn’t sure how comfortable I felt with him driving me if he had just been smoking weed with his friend. Secondly, I wondered what his intentions were for wanting me over to his house while his mom was away (aside from trying to get in my pants). So I gave him an ultimatum saying either he could come over to my house or it just wouldn’t happen.

Matt was trying so hard to convince me he wouldn’t ever do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. However, I stood my ground and stayed with my ultimatum. He was on the fence about it as he didn’t want my parents to catch us doing anything. I assured him my family would be fast asleep by the time he got to my house. He ultimately caved in… I couldn’t believe it. I was nervous and excited. I made sure all the lights were out upstairs. My parents had gone to bed and he got to my house at 12AM. Yeah, I know it’s late. Still, I didn’t care what time it was. I just really wanted to see him.

I waited by the front door for him and 10 minutes later he showed up. Immediately I was all giddy again (trying to still remain sexy and composed). I literally pounced on him when he walked in, gave him a hug, and in that moment it really felt like it hadn’t gone any longer than a week since I’d last seen him. We tip toed into my basement and plopped onto the couch. One of my kittens followed us into the basement and jumped onto Matt’s lap. All of a sudden, my kitten went ballistic and started digging into him and rolling in circles as if he was high off of catnip. I said:

“Wow, he must really like you.”

Matt: “It seems that way. Meow.”

“I’ve never seen him go this crazy. Do you think he’s smelling something on your pants?”

Matt: “Maybe it’s the weed from earlier.”

“Hahaha.”

Could the smell of weed really have the same effect as catnip? Who knows. Still, we both got a kick out of it. Then I joked around that my kitten was getting more attention than me so I moved the kitten upstairs and closed the door to the basement. Finally.

The pure, innocent angel in me was saying to just take things slow. However, the devilish, inner vixen was saying to turn out the lights, put the fireplace on and pounce on him. I decided to put the fireplace on and dim the lights. I joined him back on the couch and we talked for quite awhile. We seemed so comfortable around each other and I felt really relaxed. However, the more we were talking the more I wanted to kiss him. I could tell he was being hyper vigilant. I said:

“Afraid my dad’s going to come down with a gun?”

Matt: “Noooooo.”

“So then. Why are you being so good?”

Matt: “I’m always good. An angel, really.”

“Is that so?”

I decided not to get all Fifty Shades of Grey at this point in my blog post. What I can say, is that he was certainly a good teacher! ;) I also ended up with a temporary tattoo on my lower back (a snake). We were just having fun and he continued at a pace I was comfortable with. He gave me a goodnight kiss by my front door and left around 3:30AM. I was pretty flushed and overall I was exuding happiness.

I told Matt that the next time we go out he needs to surprise me with something special planned, so hopefully he will stick to that. I still haven’t heard from him since last night but hopefully he’ll get back into gear this time around and continue making the effort to see me.

So when do you think is the right time to ask him if he is seeing anybody else?

Exposed and Vulnerable

An HBO show I’ve been obsessing over since its 2012 premiere is Lena Dunham’s “Girls.” The story follows the lives of several 20 something year olds in New York City and the challenges and tribulations they face along the way. The script is raw, real and relates so well to every other 20 something year old who has or most likely will experience similar life situations.

Dunham both directs and acts as the lead role ‘Hannah’ who plays her character so well; projecting to all her viewers such confidence in her own skin and makes us feel secure and inspired, knowing that we aren’t going through our day to day’s life challenges alone.

In the most recent episode that aired this week, Hannah was introduced to her next door neighbour who was in his 40s. What was initially meant to be an awkward meeting about dumping her garbage in his disposal bin ended up leading into a torrid sexual relationship. Everything was heated and passionate and he invited her to stay the night at his house. The following day she found herself in such a natural, happy place with him. Once the evening arrived, she came to the realization that she was worth feeling and being in a state of happiness. She fell apart in front of him, leaving herself completely vulnerable and exposed. As she continued talking he listened but you could sense he was withdrawing from the conversation and wasn’t as engaged and responsive as she hoped he would be.

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Just like Hannah, I am constantly trying to get myself outside my comfort zone and experience things I would have never thought I would. The problem is aside from all the crazy adventures and life experiences and being there for my friends and family, I need to also make my own state of happiness a priority. Would I necessarily strip down all my feelings and insecurities on the second day of being with a guy? Probably not or else he’d start backing off a bit. When I told my best guy friend that I always have heart to heart conversations with my sister and we talk about how we’re feeling, he just looked at me strangely and said he never does with his brother. For most guys, it’s hard to open up and I guess for girls it’s different because it’s something we constantly do.

I think it’s important to share you’re feelings with someone you deeply care about, but you can’t engulf the guy with all your feelings in 20 minutes. It’s something that will naturally take time as you continue getting to know one another.

I question whether I opened up too much about my experience level with the most recent guy I’ve been seeing. That was a week ago and as much as I thought he was okay with moving slowly and getting to know me more he’s definitely been more distant. He’s still been texting and asking me how I’m doing but it’s been a week, and still no hint towards wanting to go out again. Truly, it’s probably for the better. As if I fully gave myself to him and that’s all he wanted, I’d probably never forgive myself.

Girls – at what point is it okay to start opening up about your feelings to the guy you’re seeing? Guys – what’s your take on all of this?

Are My Values Old-Fashioned?

Since my last blog post, I want to give a big shout out to my amazing followers! Some of you gave such great insight as to how I should approach the situation with the guy I’ve recently been dating. I agreed that since the last text I had sent him didn’t exactly warrant any response, I thought I’d write a casual message the next day (Thursday) asking how class was. After I sent the text I went out with a few of my girlfriends and felt satisfied knowing I tried my best and if he really wanted to see me again, he’d make the effort. Sure enough an hour later he wrote to me while in his class. It was the reassurance I needed that he had a nice time on our last date. Our conversation led to him asking me if I wanted to hang out today (Friday) if I wasn’t busy. I had a class this morning but we made plans for me to go over to his place in the afternoon once I got home since he didn’t have the car til later.

I arrived and things immediately picked up from where they left off several days before. We started watching Anchorman (one of his favourite movies) but I wasn’t getting the humour so much so we moved to playing a game of pool in his basement. The attraction was building up again as we played the game and afterwards we lay down on his couch and decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite – well… we caught bits and pieces of it ;).

Things started to get more physical and part of me was nervous to be more intimate with him as I could tell he wanted more but I wasn’t yet sure where our relationship status was. After all… it was only date #3. I knew he had a lot more experience than me which I have no problems with except for the fact that I sensed he wanted more and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I guess I’m still saving myself for that special guy who is fully into me and I trust not to go around behind my back and be with other girls. I’ve never experienced the chemistry I’ve had with this ‘fish’ by date #3 in comparison with the other dozen. When I was just lying there in his arms I thought it would be an appropriate time to be honest with him about how I felt. He was a bit surprised at first and said he didn’t expect to hear that but he was very sweet and said he was willing to go at whatever pace I wanted and just to tell him if things were getting too intense.

He had mentioned that his mom was arriving home around 5 and he wanted her to think I was just a mutual friend who wanted a ‘guitar lesson’. I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t comfortable with telling his mom the truth as I’m fairly open about it with my parents. However, I went with it as it was only date #3… so when we heard the door open we grabbed his two guitars and practiced strumming the strings. I was actually doing very well and he taught me how to play the chords to Green Day’s ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’. Then we went up to the main floor as he said he’d give me a ride home earlier. Before we got out the door his mom appeared and he introduced us. She seemed very sweet. He mentioned to his mom he was going to give me a ride home… I wonder if she still bought the story after that. I mean… how many students who come over for a ‘guitar lesson’ really get a personal drive home?

Anyways, I’ve subscribed to Matthew Hussey’s blog posts for awhile now (if you haven’t heard of him – he is a life coach / life strategist and talks a lot about relationships from a male’s perspective – check out GetTheGuy on my Blogroll). In his post ‘The Question You Should Avoid Asking On A First Date’, it says:

  1. Just looking for a relationship scares a guy – it makes him feel like you are using him to cover up your own loneliness. This neediness scares him off.
  2. Most men don’t know they want a relationship until they have fallen for you.

So I completely agree and never really thought about it that way before. However, now that date #3 has already happened and things are getting more intimate, I’m not sure what to do or if I should approach the conversation with him. So far it seems he doesn’t want to be attached to a relationship right now (as he just got out of a 4 year relationship several months ago) and is looking for fun. Except I’m faced with the issue of wanting to be more physical with him but silently freaking out inside about perhaps getting heart broken. I know the risk of that happening is just as probable while in a proper relationship, but still I want to know he’s not seeing other girls if I take the next step.

Is that too much to ask? Is the relationship status talk too soon?

He’s Perfect, but…

Tonight I went on a date with another ‘fish’ who I started talking to last week. He was 28 (7 years older than me), a lawyer and looking for a relationship. I thought, this guy may in fact be the winner of my heart. I had never talked with a guy who was 28, but I figured that I need a guy that is at least 24, 25 – who has maturity and a sense of where he is going in life and what he wants versus the majority of guys my age who are looking for something more casual.

I knew he was a bit shorter than me before meeting him. However, it wasn’t until we met tonight that I realized he was in fact quite a bit shorter than I imagined him being. Although, I was willing to look past that as he appeared in front of me as cute as in the pictures I had seen. We decided to meet up for drinks at a location he suggested which was closer to his area than mine but I was fine with it. Once we sat down one of the first things I learned was his apartment was conveniently connected right next to where we went. He even threw in a wink. I knew he was just being flirtatious though so I went with it and we talked for an hour sitting down at a booth. The music was loud but it was still easy to converse with one another. By that point I felt comfortable from the cocktail except conversation wasn’t flowing as naturally as I hoped it would. I guess part of my mind was still preoccupied with knowing his place was right next door. Throughout our conversation, he would make remarks like ‘you should come over to my place to watch such and such movie sometime’ and ‘I have the place to myself’. He was checking his phone several times towards the end of the hour and I wondered if he was losing interest. As I was nearing the end of my cocktail a panic button clicked inside of me and I excused myself to the washroom and called my friend to pick me up. When I sat back down conversation started a bit slow but got back to a steady flow. He offered me a second drink but I politely declined. At which point I was interrupted by my phone again to see a message from my friend saying she was waiting outside to pick me up.

I apologized and explained my ride was here early and he was a bit caught of guard saying that was one of the earliest ending Saturday night outings he’d be on. I agreed and felt bad but he still sweetly paid the bill and when I offered to pay he said ‘no… don’t worry, you can pay next time’.

I’ll probably need a night to sleep on it, but I just don’t know if he’s the guy I’m meant to be with. I know you don’t always feel butterflies the first time you get to know someone (although I did feel them with the last guy I dated who turned out to be a bit of a coward). It could have just been fear that had taken over me… as I knew I wasn’t ready to go back to his apartment on our first date and knowing it was right there made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I question whether 28 is too old and with that age comes too much experience. I wouldn’t call him a player at all, in fact he came across as a gentleman which is rare to see a lot nowadays. However, he knew the right things to say (of course, he’s a lawyer!) and maybe I found all those factors put together a bit intimidating which didn’t allow me to fully relax as much as I could have.

A) Would you date a guy 7 years older than you? B) Should height ever be an issue or does that just make someone look completely shallow?  C) Is it the new norm to check your phone while on a date or is that just being rude?

Meeting ‘fish’ in the most random of places — FATE?

Saturday night I reluctantly decided to go out with my family to see a Flamenco Performance at a small coffee shop downtown, Toronto as my dad’s old time friend growing up was performing and playing the African drums. I initially thought… it’ll probably just be an older crowd wanting to go see Flamenco and I’d feel like a complete third wheel with my parents… but I had no other plans for my Saturday night and my parents convinced me it would be a great ‘family bonding’ experience. So I got myself out of my PJ’s, threw on some clothes, applied some makeup and away we went.

Our first stop was to quickly grab dinner at a restaurant prior to going to see the show. We went to a pretty popular spot which I had never been to before. It was completely packed but we decided to wait in line as it seemed to be moving at a fast pace and the location was minutes away from our next destination. While waiting in line, my mom whispered to me that there was a guy at the table next to where we were standing who kept looking over at me. I glanced over and he appeared to be sitting with his family. There was a girl opposite him and I couldn’t tell whether it was his sister or his girlfriend. I opted for option 1 as once again he looked over and our eyes caught each other. He actually was quite cute and I could immediately feel my cheeks going red and looked away, thinking nothing would come out of it anyway.

Later once my family had ordered dinner his family got up to leave and as they were walking out he quickly turned around and our eyes caught each other once again — seconds later he left to follow his family. I immediately thought… wait a second. I vaguely remembered his face and then I knew it was one of the guys I was corresponding with online months ago. I told my mom and she said I should message him if he’s still online and see if it really was him. I decided against it as even if it was him, there must of been a reason we had stopped writing in the first place.

Today, Monday, I get an email notification from the dating site saying I’ve received a new message and when I checked, sure enough IT WAS HIM! He said ‘I swear I saw you at x place Saturday night’. I couldn’t believe he knew it was me… we had never even met before and I thought to myself, is this fate? What are the chances of seeing him there? We both must have pretty incredible visual memories. I said yes and he went on by saying ‘you’re hot ;)’. Reading this in my bed I immediately felt my cheeks flush red, and I was very flattered. The fact that my pictures did me justice in real life and he liked what he saw made me feel really amazing. I then went to explore his profile again and there it was… I remembered he had only completed high school. I think at the time it didn’t sound as if he really had any ambition other than working in sales and with me being so far along in my career, I wanted to be with someone who was equally passionate about work. When I checked today, he actually now mentions something about wanting to study in University so I messaged back earlier and asked what his story was. If he is currently studying/ wants to study.

So despite my initial negative thoughts of having to go out with my parents, it actually turned out to be an amazing night and I really had fun. It was great talking to my parents, I would have never bumped into an old ‘fish,’ and I absolutely loved the Flamenco Performance. It was at this really neat coffee shop on an outdoor patio and the scene was very bohemian and relaxing. I breathed in the smell of firewood, drank Sangria and the air was filled with conversation, laughter and a gorgeous night sky.

Point of the story, don’t think negatively about anything. What you may think is negative can in fact turn into a very positive and fun experience.

My question to all of you. Is a situation like this a sign… fate should I say? Should I give him a shot even if he still lacks professional ambition?

16 vs. 21

So my cousin and I hung out this afternoon and she was explaining to me about her love life and two guys in particular that she is currently smitten over.

I’ll start off by saying she’s 16.

If it were a game show, here’s how it would be presented…

Contender #1 is a year younger, goes to the same school, is tall and handsome and is book smart. Sounds like a perfect catch no?

Contender #2 is about 5 years older. He’s also tall and handsome, in University and has this charm that she’s attracted to. She met him at a party awhile back.

So after doing a thorough text message and facebook picture investigation – I explained to her I thought contender #1 was the better option. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against the fact that contender #2 is 5 years older as I clearly state in ‘The Dating Age Gap’ how a number can’t define a connection between two people. However, I explained that 16 vs. 21 and 20 vs. 25 are two very different match games. With 16 vs. 21 the 16 year old being my cousin is attracted to the idea of physically being with someone who is older and has more experience. Also the fact that he is gorgeous makes the attraction that much stronger. Not to say all 21 year olds are like this, but I’m going to presume the majority who flirt with girls in their early stages of high school aren’t looking for ‘true love’ or a committed relationship. They are experienced and know how to charm a girl and almost act like persuasive snakes to get certain things that younger girls are sometimes vulnerable enough to give into. 20 vs. 25 can be read more indepth about in ‘The Dating Age Gap’ post.

Contender #1 – despite her hesitation regarding the fact he’s a year younger, I think is still someone she shouldn’t lose sight of. The fact that she knows a lot about him and they go to the same school and live close by means that she’s within her comfort zone. Also, the fact that he is in the more premature stages of a proper relationship makes him a stronger contendor for something long term and meaningful. I understand that at 16 she can’t help but worry how her friends may perceive her dating a guy 1 year younger – but I say go for it.

Usually I wouldn’t recommend dating younger as in my personal experience they are all incredibly immature and are ‘Justin Bieber’ clones. The way she described him though and how smitten she was just goes to show how much of a good thing she thinks he is. So I say make the first move and go out for dinner or to the movies. Get to know him more 1 on 1. Don’t focus too much on what your friends will think. We all need to trust our own hearts and if we always based our decisions on what our friends thought we’d never achieve a full level of happiness.