Signals

Jeremy and I got matched on Coffee Meets Bagel two weeks ago. The app had been on my phone for a little while and I really wasn’t having any luck… up until his handsome profile popped up.

Over the next week we were writing back and forth quite a bit. I discovered we shared a lot in common and he sounded quite mature and grounded for a guy in his mid 20s. He also conveniently lived a walk away from where I work! So it was only natural that the next step was to meet up for drinks after work one evening.

I met up with Jeremy last Thursday after work at a cute little Italian restaurant with a beautiful outdoor patio. He was waiting outside the restaurant when I arrived – and he looked even more handsome than in his photos. We hugged hello and made our way inside (he held the door open for me, which made my heart melt just a little). Unfortunately for us, it was 40 degrees out so we opted to eat inside.

We had the whole upper level dining area to ourselves – truly couldn’t have asked for a more romantic setting! Once we got past the initial nervous banter, conversation seemed to flow pretty well. We picked up where we left off on the app and started diving into more about our families and travel adventures. I was inadvertently twirling my hair the entire night and he seemed to be sending me signals he was interested as well. First off – there was no checking his phone the entire time we were together (except for when he showed me pictures of his dogs – which were incredibly cute). Second, he combed his hand through his luscious surfer hair multiple times — guys, am I reading too much into that one or is that a definite sign of showing off / interest? Third – there were a few times that he stretched his arms up to show off his biceps — I was definitely liking what I saw.

Once we finished dinner – he offered to pay. Huge signal he likes me, right? Otherwise, he could have just split the bill since we shared a salad and pizza. He then walked back to the subway station with me even though it was past his street to go home. At that point we hugged goodbye and I felt the date ended on a great note.

So here I am — trying to get through my work day last Friday… although every 5 seconds I’m glancing over at my phone hoping to see his name pop up. 5PM rolls around and nothing. Saturday, nothing. At this point I was starting to get worried but figured maybe by the third day he’d message (playing it cool). Sunday, nothing.

Monday evening I decided to send him a text playing it cool and just said, “Hey! How was your weekend?” He responded almost an hour later, “Hey, weekend was good. Went up to a friends cottage.”

That’s it. He didn’t ask me how my weekend was, or any question in return. Obviously, I was feeling confused and hurt. I thought I picked up all these signals that he was interested, but I guess I was wrong. There’s been no correspondence since Monday – I never responded, because I didn’t feel there was anything to respond to. Wishing I had some closure – even though I know we only went on one date.

Thoughts?

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Real Estate Guy: Part 2

I recently got back from The Bahamas – which was the perfect remedy for escaping the cold Canadian Winter. I’d give anything to be back on the beach with a rum punch in my hand, while getting cat called by the Bahamian men…

In the midst of all the last minute packing and finalizing work projects, I forgot to provide everyone with an update on Real Estate Guy (who I talked about in my last post here).

I ended up driving over to his brother’s birthday party around 11PM and REG greeted me at the doorway. I could see the party was already in full gear; there were at least 20-30 people on the main floor. Some were playing beer pong, and others were busy putting together the final touches on his brothers birthday cake. He took me around and introduced me to all his friends – including his roommates and his brothers girlfriends. Everyone was very friendly! I was overall feeling very comfortable with the setting and surprisingly didn’t feel too overwhelmed by the number of people.

After about an hour – we went downstairs to the basement, and there I discovered another large group of people – who I found out were his brothers friends. When he introduced me to his brother – we gave each other a friendly hello, and that was it. I was so relieved his brother didn’t mention anything about us going on a date years ago…

Later on REG gave me a tour of his place – we laughed over all his embarrassing childhood photos on the walls. The tour ended in his old bedroom. It was definitely your typical boys room – with playboy model posters on the wall and all his sports trophies lined up on his chest of drawers. We lay down on his bed and stared into each others eyes. He just couldn’t stop smiling as he stared at me and I couldn’t help but giggle. He kept asking, “what’s so funny?” and I kept saying… “nothing, you’re just a really sweet guy”.

We started kissing and… I could feel something wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling any sort of spark or excitement when he kissed me. I thought to myself — it’s probably just the setting. It wasn’t very romantic – and I felt a bit uncomfortable being there for too long while his friends were still downstairs. So I cut the kissing and cuddling session short, and we went downstairs to join his friends for a bit longer. At 3AM he walked me to the door, we kissed goodnight and with that I left.

We saw each other again last Sunday. The evening started with dinner at an upscale Italian restaurant. It was our third date and I thought conversation would maybe get a bit deeper. I was still unsure about where him and his ex stood (as 2/3 of his Facebook photos were of him and her). However, it just stayed surface level. Afterwards we went to see a movie at a theater nearby. About half way in he reached to hold my hand. I did feel something when he held my hand – which I thought was a good sign.

When the movie ended, he drove me home. I thanked him for a really nice evening. He told me I should come back to his place the following weekend for a hot tub and wine date and I nodded saying we’d speak more about it later. He then leaned in again and kissed me. I tried to completely relax and clear my head, and be in the moment. I closed me eyes and as we were kissing, but I still felt nothing. I felt… awful.

Perhaps part of me wished he had a bit of a play hard to get / bad side. I know I need someone who is sweet and sincere, but I crave that element of mystery and danger. Passion and chemistry are things you need to build in a relationship, and if I wasn’t feeling anything by date 3, I didn’t feel it would be fair to lead him on any further. It’s been almost a week since our date, and neither of us haven’t written to the other.

Another blogger I follow suggested you should wait at least a week in between dates when you first start seeing someone. I feel like there is something to that. Maybe it was too much too soon, and that was part of what turned me off. What are your thoughts on this?

So here I am again, back to square 1. Months away from reaching a quarter of a century, and trying to stay as optimistic as possible that my prince charming is out there somewhere. I still have a lot of adventures planned for the rest of this year, so I have faith that he is out there!

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Ryan and I lay in each others arms on my bed. Burning tears were streaming down my cheeks, as I burrowed my head into his chest. “It’s going to be okay, baby” he said, holding onto me tightly and kissing my forehead. I looked up into his eyes which were red and cloudy with tears.

Around 2AM I walked downstairs with him, gripping onto his shirt tightly until we got to the front door. He tilted my head up and wiped away my tears with his finger. “We will always be in each others lives… don’t forget that”. I nodded and we gave each other one last kiss before he walked out. I stood by the door sobbing, with an awful, heart-wrenching pain that I had never experienced before.


After 9 incredible months of dating Ryan from JSwipe, it was time to say farewell to one another. Ryan was accepted into a PhD program half way around the world, which will take about 4 years to complete.

We knew about 3 months in that he would be leaving to go. It wasn’t an easy time in our relationship. At that point we were developing strong feelings for one another, and I hated the though of him leaving me. It was a difficult decision, but Ryan knew he couldn’t turn it down. It was one of the most prestigious and competitive programs in his field of study.

I could have ended the relationship at that point to avoid the heartbreak and sadness later on. However, I knew I had to let my fears go – not willing to give up the special bond we had.

We carried forward and went on a countless number of dates. Between our lazy nights at home watching American Horror Story, going to The Zoo, spending the night at a fancy hotel for his birthday and slow dancing together at his sisters wedding – we made so many wonderful memories together.

Before we knew it, October arrived and it was inevitable to talk about the future of our relationship. It was a very tough and emotional discussion to have, but ultimately it was decided that we weren’t going to try and do long-distance. As much as we cared for one another deeply, it would be very tough to be apart from one another for so long. As well, I needed the opportunity to explore other relationships – as this is all very new to me… in order to compare and decide what exactly I want in a life time partner.

I can finally say to the whole blogosphere that I did find love, and it has been an absolutely incredible journey to get to this point (even though it meant I had to experience heart break). A part of me will always love Ryan – we plan on staying in each others lives forever. We’ve been talking frequently since he landed – and I look forward to video chatting with him in a day or two once he is all settled in.

Who knows – maybe he will end up being the one I’m meant to be with forever. For now, my journey continues, and I hope you will stay along for the ride.

Rejection

Adam (the guy I had gone on two dates with from Tinder) sent me a text message around 5:30PM saying “Can I quickly give you a shout?” I received it at one of the above ground stations while traveling home on the subway. My heart immediately sunk… knowing it was probably not something good to share. I had seven stops to go and each stop kept feeling like light years to get to. My mouth was getting dry and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.

I arrived at my station and got on the bus. It was full and everyone was quiet as a mouse. I knew there was no way I was going to talk to him while on the road, at the risk of breaking down in front of everyone. I texted Adam back saying I was on the bus and asked if I could call him back in fifteen minutes. He said, “Sure. Not a problem.”

My mouth was completely dry when I got off the bus. I started walking slowly towards my street and pulled up his number on my phone. I took a deep breath and pressed the dial button.

Adam: “Hey. How’s it going?”

“Hey! Pretty good. Had a long day at work. How about you?”

Back and forth casual banter went on for about a minute…

Adam: “Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I’ve had a really nice time going out and getting to know you. However, I don’t really see it going any further.”

He proceeded to tell me (as I had a feeling) that he only felt a friendly vibe.

I told him I respected the fact that he called to tell me that over the phone (which sadly made me like him that much more). I said I had a really nice time getting to know him as well. I tried fighting for him a bit… saying that I’ve found in the past that sometimes friendships can grow into something great… but no budge. He was giving one word responses and I knew it was over. There was no point to fight anymore as it was clear he had made a decision.

He rejected me… and it’s a horrible pill to swallow. I fell hard, and it had only been two dates. He was everything I was looking for on my check list – ambitious, good looking, family oriented, same values – the list goes on.

I was two minutes away from home and saw my mom outside by the garage. I ran to her and started sobbing in her arms – mascara was running down my cheeks and my throat stung. She comforted me for a few minutes and then I proceeded inside, ran up to my room and sobbed more into my pillow. I was sore all over and felt drained from crying so hard. I had a pretty horrible day at work as well, so I think the reason I was so upset was really a culmination of thoughts that had been piling up inside that needed to be released.

Was he not attracted to me? Did he get back together with his ex? Did he meet someone else? I always jump to assume it’s me – but who knows what it could have been.

I just checked Tinder and Adam was active 4 hours ago.

I’ve calmed down now but it’s still a bit surreal. I’m supposed to go out with AB tomorrow – so will try and clear my head and enjoy my time with him.

Elevator Lockdown

Last week, I received an open invitation from Advertising Boy to come over to his apartment to go swimming. I decided to take him up on that offer yesterday…

AB met me at the bus stop early afternoon and as soon as I stepped off, we embraced each other. We entered his building and he proceeded to take us up to the 36th floor. The first thing he did was give me a tour of his place. It was a beautiful apartment – one bedroom, kitchenette, living room and bathroom. He then took us out on his balcony and my jaw dropped. It was the most breathtaking view – you could see the CN Tower, and he overlooked the waterfront where you could see all the boats sailing over the crystal clear water. I could have seriously stared out at that view for hours.

We hung out at his place for about half an hour – passing the time by playing a few rounds of magnetic darts and jamming to some songs on his electric guitar. We then decided to head down to the indoor pool to go for a swim. My goal was to pull my hair up in a cute, messy bun so it wouldn’t look like a scary mess later on in the day. So I got to the change room, grabbed my one hair elastic, pulled my hair up high – and all of a sudden … it snaps. Shit! I had a minor freak out session but after a few deep breaths I took it as a sign that I should just let it go au natural.

He looked pretty damn good in a pair of swim trunks, and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him. We were the only ones in the pool area. AB dove right into the pool and the water glistened off his beautifully tanned skin. I took the safer route and entered by the steps. The water was beautiful. I slowly started swimming my way over to him. When we reached each other I held onto him and just as we were getting comfortable we heard the doors open to one of the change rooms. A family of 4 walked in with 2 young kids. SHIT! What a mood kill. I wanted my first kiss with him to happen then and there, and knew that wasn’t going to be. AB also seemed disappointed. Still, that didn’t stop us from having fun. There were lots of splashes and harmless play for a good fifteen minutes. Then we made our way over to the hot tub. That’s when things got a bit more steamy. We held hands and our feet were interlocked. I lay my head on his shoulder. The heat alongside his touch was perfect, and I gazed up at him thinking there could only be one thing to make that moment even better. We looked right at each other, but knew that as long as those kids were there, we couldn’t do anything. Those darn kids! About ten minutes later, AB suggested we see if the outdoor hot tub was free. We made our way over there and were sad to see that it was already full. I suggested we head back up to his room, get changed – go to a carnival that was going on close by and then maybe go for a late night swim. He liked that idea.

AB took us towards the elevator and we were both still dripping with water from the pool. Our clothes were drenched and I could tell my hair was already turning into a frizz ball. We walked into the elevator and it was just us… finally. As soon as the doors closed we looked up at each other, he pulled me close to him and gave me a passionate kiss. That lasted a good 8 floors long. Then we had to wait for another elevator. Got in, doors closed – round 2! I was enjoying this game a lot.

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We arrived on the 36th floor and as soon as we got into his apartment and the door shut behind us we pounced on each other. After we made out for a bit longer, he asked if I wanted to move into his bedroom. My body wanted to say yes… but my head urged me to slow down. I was nervous to rush into anything too quickly – especially since we worked together. I was mainly afraid of getting my heart broken so soon and having to face this man every day afterwards… and it was only our second real date. He agreed to go at a pace I was comfortable with.

We ate some pizza for dinner and then proceeded to the carnival. He had his arm around me as we walked over and I was happy to see he was so comfortable with kissing in public. When we got through the gates, he took me by the hand and led me through the massive crowds of people. AB won a Tweety bird prize for me at one of the carnival games, which was very sweet. We then went on the Ferris Wheel. It was actually my first time on a Ferris Wheel – and I’m not a big fan of heights, but being with him made me feel safe and I really enjoyed it. AB then convinced me to go on a crazy ride – this large boat that swings back and forth like a metronome, high up in the air. I am not a rides girl, so going on it was a big deal for me. Even though my stomach felt like it was dropping every time we plunged downwards, I loved the rush, squeezing his arm while I screamed at the top of my lungs. Hearing his laugh next to me warmed my heart.

Around 8:30pm we walked back over to his place so I could grab my swim bag to take back home. When we arrived, both of us were pretty tired so we sat on the couch, kissed some more, and lay in each others arms for half an hour. We were so comfortable and I could have easily fallen asleep. However, I managed to pull myself up and he proceeded to walk me back to the bus stop.

As the bus arrived, we shared a passionate kiss goodnight.

Some breaking news: on this, the day after, I just got off the phone with AB – who shared that he had been let go from the place at which we both work(ed). I didn’t know who to be more sorry for. Him for being let go, or me – at the idea that I wouldn’t see his gorgeous smile everyday. Maybe, however, this is a blessing in disguise. What do you think?

Florida Sunshine Cleanse

After my date with LinkedIn boy last month – I was hesitant as to whether or not I should see him again. I was afraid that the more intimate we got… the more attached I’d get. After giving it some deep thought over the next few days and taking into account all of your insightful feedback, my final decision was to go with the flow, and if he were to ask me out – I would see him again. I’d go with what I felt comfortable with, even if it slightly tampered with my heart.

A few more casual, flirtatious text messages were sent back and forth the week following our date, but after that I never heard from him again. Unless you count the dozens of email notifications I received whenever he went live on his gaming website. Needless to say – I’ve now unsubscribed from those email alerts, at the same time unsubscribing from the fantasy of any future between the two of us.

Since then I’ve spoken to a few more guys on OKC and Tinder – but majority of them, similarly to LinkedIn boy, were just looking for a ‘Friends with Benefits’ type relationship. Feeling discouraged, I logged off all online accounts and focused more on going out with my friends.

On a positive note, this Canadian suburban girl just got back from a road trip which was a 24+ hour drive each way! I spent over a week right by the ocean and beautiful palm trees. Lying by the pool and beach with the scorching sun washing over me, feeling the mist of the ocean tickling the tip of my toes, sipping a yummy Pina Colada in hand… I felt free. Free from all my boy troubles, stress of finding a full-time job, amongst a list of other things.

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I was very tempted to stay in Florida permanently and continue to soak in the beautifully tanned men. However, reality sunk in the day we departed and before I knew it, I was back in Toronto.

Still, I am happy to be back. I’d highly recommend you take a road trip or spontaneous vacation, even if it’s just for a week – to de-stress and reflect. Being away reminded me how it’s important to go out on adventures and live life to the fullest. I promised myself to do less online scouting for love and more going out with friends and exploring my beautiful city.

Post Valentines

I still had a great Valentines Day despite being single. My whole day was filled with lots of love from my family and friends. Sure – it stung a little bit on the subway ride home from work to see guys holding a single rose stem for their girlfriend; and hearing the musician in the station playing the traditional song you walk down the aisle to. However, I came home to a beautiful Italian themed dinner my dad cooked for my family. Followed by chocolate fondue with strawberries and bananas!

I woke up this morning feeling a bit down. I had hoped to see the guy from LinkedIn – Zach at some point this weekend but it’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride with him since my last blog post…

About a week after we met for coffee, I sent him another version of his character. He sent back changes – so then a few days following, I sent him an updated version. Then came more changes. By this point I had spent over 15 hours designing the character for him – and I had only charged about 1/4 of the time spent.

Zach was such a charmer and I totally fell under his spell. Whenever I agreed to make another small change – he would send me heart signs back. Those hearts gave me hope he was still interested in seeing me again.

By the end of January, I was close to finishing his character and he sent me his final list of small edits.

Me: You owe me a week away after this.

Zach: Haha I know. (heart sign)

Me: You better hold up to your end of the deal.

Zach: I’m a man of my word. ;)

February 9, I sent Zach the final versions to post to his page. I was so excited that the character was done, and we could finally make plans to meet again to go for celebratory drinks. Unfortunately for me, ever since I’ve sent him the final designs – the hearts have stopped and his messages have been less frequent.

He ended up paying me more than what he was supposed to which was nice of him. However, still no mention on his part of going out again. That brings us to February 12.

Me: So when are we going to celebrate?

Zach: I dunno well have to see. :0

Me: Okay.

… Disappointment washed over my face and my heart sunk. ‘We’ll have to see..’ What the hell does that mean? Is that code word for, sorry but I’m not interested anymore? Is he just too obsessed with his gaming that he can’t commit to a time to see me? Maybe he started seeing someone else?

I don’t even know what to think. I feel pretty used and taken advantage of. He totally led me on. I wish I had a happier ending here, although it’s not to say this is for sure the ending. What do you think. Time to move on?