Conflicted

Adam and I got matched on Tinder at the time I started getting to know AB. We had four mutual friends and lived fairly close to one another. I learned he worked in the financial industry downtown Toronto, his family lived up North (near where I live) and we were both Big Brother fans.

Adam and I tried meeting up, but unfortunately it didn’t work out. We had little opportunity to plan for any other day as he was leaving on a work trip for several weeks. We decided to add each other on Facebook and get in touch when he was home. As I got to know AB more – I started wondering if Adam would write to me when he got back and if he did, if I’d even want to meet up with him.

Sure enough – about a week ago, Adam reached out to me saying he was back in town and he asked if I still wanted to meet for drinks. I was torn, because although I think AB is a very nice and caring guy, I didn’t want to close this door since I had felt that Adam and I would be quite compatible when we first connected. We made plans to go to a pool hall / bar downtown yesterday evening. We met at 7:30 – he was already waiting outside. I approached him and boy was he tall… I learned he was 6’4! He smiled, said hello and put his hand out to shake mine but instead I went in for a hug. We proceeded upstairs to the bar and pool table area. He got drinks for both of us – I got a comso and he got a beer. We sat down at a nearby table. I was living vicariously as he talked about his tales of adventure – getting to swim with sharks and sea lions. After about twenty minutes, we went over to a pool table and got a game going. There were certainly flirtatious vibes in the air. We were both equally horrible at the beginning – neither of us able to sink a ball, but the more alcohol we consumed, the better our shots seemed to get.

I learned we had fairly similar taste in music. I asked Adam what the most recent concert was that he went to and my jaw almost dropped to the floor when he said, “I don’t know if this classifies as a traditional concert, but I went to a taped Bryan Adams event recently”. The exact same concert I had gone to with AB. We could have been rows apart from each other. I mean, what are the chances? We kept taking our turns at pool, and we seemed so completely relaxed in each others presence. I learned we had gone to the same camp when we were younger, he used to work as a lifeguard a mere five minutes from my house and that he too is very close with his family.

After we finished our game of pool – we sat back down and talked for another 45 minutes. He was tall, dark and handsome – and had the sweetest smile and eyes. I could have looked into them all night but alas the night had to come to an end as I had to get up for work early this morning. At around 11 he walked me to the subway station where we said goodnight and he told me he’d be in touch.

The subway ride home was a tough one for me. I was going back and forth in my head between AB and Adam. I definitely connected more with Adam from the get go, whereas it took a bit longer for AB and I to find common ground. Adam and I are also from the same religious background – so it was nice to relate on that level. I also like that Adam and I have mutual friends and he is familiar with my neighbourhood.

However, then I reflected on my relationship with AB who has to this day been so caring towards me and seems really into me. However, I just don’t know if I would have even agreed to meet up with Adam if I was completely convinced that AB and I were meant to be together.

How much of a role do you think religious and cultural backgrounds play when developing a relationship with someone? I feel conflicted because I don’t want to lead AB on any further if I start to see Adam, but I’m afraid of letting him go completely. Do you think I’m being unfaithful by dating two guys at one time if neither relationship has been identified as exclusive?

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6 thoughts on “Conflicted

  1. Until you have said “I love you” and agreed to be exclusive, don’t feel guilty staying open to other possibilities. As you point out, if you felt 100% about AB, you would have politely informed Adam that you no longer wanted to meet him.

    One great date doesn’t mean Adam is “the one,” or that AB should be dumped immediately. It means there is more than one person in the world who’s fun to be with – the operative word being “fun.” To answer your question, religion and cultural backgrounds are less important early on (in the “fun” and casual era), but grow critical when you are melding two lives and adding children to the mix.

  2. You should not feel guilty at all. If there has not been a discussion on relationship status then I say…go with the flow and see how it goes with Adam. He sounds adorable btw…I love when there’s immediately natural chemistry like that. :)

  3. As long as you and the other party (with AB or Adam) haven’t expressly agreed on commitment, I don’t think you are being unfaithful by exploring your options. :)

    Having said that and setting the two guys aside for a moment, it might be worthwhile to perhaps ask yourself this: what key traits are you after in a guy and what kind of a relationship you ultimately want (i.e. long or short term)? Then you will be able to identify what it is about Adam that has intrigued you and what it is about AB that you are not ready to let go. If what you’ve uncovered aligns with the key traits you seek, it should be clearer which guy (if anyone at all) is worth pursuing.

    In terms of religion/culture, I would say that one’s fundamental values and world views are very reflective of the religion/culture they subscribe to. Consider what aspects of your religion/culture that you find important for your partner to share in. For example, could a ‘love for family’ be found in a guy that isn’t the same religion/culture as you or is it something deeper like believing in the same God, which can only be found in a guy of the same religious and culture background as you?

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