Identity Leaked

Apologies for being MIA for such a long period of time. I have been busy completing a summer internship. I would have thought that by now I would have had at least one adventure to report with one of the guys who also work there, but no such luck. However, I have been hired to work full time now at the same company so I’m sure that story will come along soon enough.

What’s consumed my thoughts over the last few days has to do with one of my closest friends. Let’s call him Matt. Matt sent me a lengthy email the other day, and as soon as I opened it my heart sunk. This dear friend of mine, one who has had strong feelings for me for quite some time (which I have been unable to reciprocate) told me he knew about both my blog AND that I was on online dating.

I had wondered why Matt seemed so distant over the last week, and the email pretty much summed up why.

I had mentioned to him several months ago to give online dating a shot, to see who else was out there. I guess he was bound to come across my profile eventually. If Matt had just come across that alone, it wouldn’t have been so upsetting. The fact that he also found out about my blog made me feel horrible… as I was to blame.

Several months ago, I had hinted I had a secret blog to him. I can’t even remember how it came up in conversation, although I said it; and of course, it got him curious. As I’m sure anyone would be, hearing the word ‘secret’ or ‘mysterious’. Matt told me that several times when we were screen-sharing through Skype either my email popped up or I had left a WordPress tab open accidentally. He apologized for invading my privacy (as it wasn’t any of his business) but he couldn’t help but search up the WordPress name that kept popping up and sure enough, he put two and two together.

I was so afraid of the inevitable that Matt would feel completely shattered reading all my stories if he came across this. Finding out I was meeting up with all these different guys to hopefully find my prince charming, when he had hoped that he could be that for me all along.

I told Matt I was proud of him for being so brave and honest. I told him that I care so deeply for him as a friend, but unless he worked through his anxieties and built up more confidence in himself, I could never be with him romantically.

Writing my blog posts have really opened my eyes to the type of guy I need in my life. Ultimately, I need to be true to myself, whether anonymous or real.


4 thoughts on “Identity Leaked

    • Good question. One I’ll have to think more about. Maybe it’s not about self confidence per say, but maybe more about how he presents himself when around other people. Even though I may lack confidence in certain areas, most people wouldn’t know that about me (unless they read my blog posts).

  1. I don’t know how I came across your blog. I went from CNN to here?? lol
    Anyways, I ended up reading some of your blog entries and I decided to leave a comment ! This is a first for me :o

    By meeting guys based on pictures/job/online profile, are you looking for a long term relationship that could potentially blossom into something more or are you looking for something short term?

    It is interesting to see a girl’s view of the guys in online dating since I am a male and none of my friends that I know have taken up online dating. Instead of just thinking, analyzing, and judging guys, I think you should also think of things form their perspectives.

    There’s only one reason why a guy would keep in touch online or text – they find you attractive. They could be looking for a one night stand, they could be looking for something long-term, that I do not know ; however, for men, especially online dating, looks are the only thing that matter. Job security, hobbies, etc matter less for girls but that profile pic matters 10x more. It may sound shallow but that’s the cold hard truth.

    Other than your ‘looks’, what else do you have to offer to them for them to ‘want’ to see you? They would also be going on numbers of other dates like you and meet other ‘women’ they find attractive, just as you are looking for attractive male counterparts.

    It looks to me like your friend ‘matt’ genuinely loves and cares for you, yet you toy with his feelings. It doesn’t matter whether you were doing this intentionally or not, or because you simply want to feel ‘wanted’ by someone who knows you. Personally, I do not believe in close bonds between male/female freindships if there’s any physical attraction there(even a little bit); however, I’m not here to preach.

    You may be looking elsewhere for a ‘stud’ who is also a ‘prince charming’ who you can marry and live happily ever after. That doesn’t exist. You want someone who will always care for you and love you for who you are. This ‘matt’ person seems to genuinely care for you and love you for who you are.

    Imagine yourself a life without ‘matt’, once he starts dating another girl what will you do? will you feel lonely/jealous or will you feel truly happy for him with no excessive feelings of jealousy? Be honest about it to yourself and if it’s the latter, he will never be more than your friend. If you think you will miss ‘matt’ if he’s gone from your life, you might want to consider otherwise.

    Why am I writing this? I don’t know. I woke up, it’s monday morning, it’s holiday here in Canada and I came across your blog. I read a few paragraphs and felt sorry for you so decided to write this.


  2. Being “discovered” is an eventuality. Even I treat it as something that just hasn’t happened quite yet, rather than something that will never happen. The only occasion in which I would be gutted to have been discovered is one where I had been caught lying. I think that, so long as you can say you’ve always told the truth, you’ll be just fine.

    Boy x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s