Are My Values Old-Fashioned?

Since my last blog post, I want to give a big shout out to my amazing followers! Some of you gave such great insight as to how I should approach the situation with the guy I’ve recently been dating. I agreed that since the last text I had sent him didn’t exactly warrant any response, I thought I’d write a casual message the next day (Thursday) asking how class was. After I sent the text I went out with a few of my girlfriends and felt satisfied knowing I tried my best and if he really wanted to see me again, he’d make the effort. Sure enough an hour later he wrote to me while in his class. It was the reassurance I needed that he had a nice time on our last date. Our conversation led to him asking me if I wanted to hang out today (Friday) if I wasn’t busy. I had a class this morning but we made plans for me to go over to his place in the afternoon once I got home since he didn’t have the car til later.

I arrived and things immediately picked up from where they left off several days before. We started watching Anchorman (one of his favourite movies) but I wasn’t getting the humour so much so we moved to playing a game of pool in his basement. The attraction was building up again as we played the game and afterwards we lay down on his couch and decided to watch Napoleon Dynamite – well… we caught bits and pieces of it ;).

Things started to get more physical and part of me was nervous to be more intimate with him as I could tell he wanted more but I wasn’t yet sure where our relationship status was. After all… it was only date #3. I knew he had a lot more experience than me which I have no problems with except for the fact that I sensed he wanted more and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I guess I’m still saving myself for that special guy who is fully into me and I trust not to go around behind my back and be with other girls. I’ve never experienced the chemistry I’ve had with this ‘fish’ by date #3 in comparison with the other dozen. When I was just lying there in his arms I thought it would be an appropriate time to be honest with him about how I felt. He was a bit surprised at first and said he didn’t expect to hear that but he was very sweet and said he was willing to go at whatever pace I wanted and just to tell him if things were getting too intense.

He had mentioned that his mom was arriving home around 5 and he wanted her to think I was just a mutual friend who wanted a ‘guitar lesson’. I was a bit disappointed that he wasn’t comfortable with telling his mom the truth as I’m fairly open about it with my parents. However, I went with it as it was only date #3… so when we heard the door open we grabbed his two guitars and practiced strumming the strings. I was actually doing very well and he taught me how to play the chords to Green Day’s ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’. Then we went up to the main floor as he said he’d give me a ride home earlier. Before we got out the door his mom appeared and he introduced us. She seemed very sweet. He mentioned to his mom he was going to give me a ride home… I wonder if she still bought the story after that. I mean… how many students who come over for a ‘guitar lesson’ really get a personal drive home?

Anyways, I’ve subscribed to Matthew Hussey’s blog posts for awhile now (if you haven’t heard of him – he is a life coach / life strategist and talks a lot about relationships from a male’s perspective – check out GetTheGuy on my Blogroll). In his post ‘The Question You Should Avoid Asking On A First Date’, it says:

  1. Just looking for a relationship scares a guy – it makes him feel like you are using him to cover up your own loneliness. This neediness scares him off.
  2. Most men don’t know they want a relationship until they have fallen for you.

So I completely agree and never really thought about it that way before. However, now that date #3 has already happened and things are getting more intimate, I’m not sure what to do or if I should approach the conversation with him. So far it seems he doesn’t want to be attached to a relationship right now (as he just got out of a 4 year relationship several months ago) and is looking for fun. Except I’m faced with the issue of wanting to be more physical with him but silently freaking out inside about perhaps getting heart broken. I know the risk of that happening is just as probable while in a proper relationship, but still I want to know he’s not seeing other girls if I take the next step.

Is that too much to ask? Is the relationship status talk too soon?


9 thoughts on “Are My Values Old-Fashioned?

  1. you should only be intimate with him if you want to be. If there’s a feeling that you shouldn’t…then I think you should steer clear.

    I’m not trying to sound pessimistic or anything but the sooner you give it up the more likely he’s just gonna leave you soon afterwards.

    It’s understandable that he introduced you as guitar lesson student. You shouldn’t expect anything else. It’s way too soon for that. So to answer your question: “is it too much to ask?” my answer is: YES! You’re still getting to know each other. If you push having “that” talk…the more likely it’ll push him away. I think you’re putting all your eggs in one basket with this guy.

    Keep looking, hun! Because you already know he recently got out of a relationship and wants to have fun. Chances are…he’s seeing other women. (sorry…i hate to be the bearer of bad news).

    • Totally agreed – I definitely don’t want to rush into anything. I don’t want him to think I’m ‘easy’ and just a good time. Plus I am definitely going to keep my options open and see what other ‘fish’ are out there… at the same time still exploring where it can go with him. Thanks so much!!

  2. I too am with Deb. It’s the age old rule. If he is recently single and looking for fun, not too many women will be able to tie him down, especially when you both sound quite young.
    Keep seeing him, don’t breach the “relationship” issue again, it will scare him off but keep your options open. You are single and you are allowed to keep looking for the perfect guy.
    Good luck x

  3. Drop him.. He’s not interested in a relationship :/ I mean you can gain physical experience from this guy, but if you want to save yourself for someone else, then drop him. He is too lazy to take you out anywhere else but his home, it doesn’t sound like he isn’t really too interested in getting to know you more as a person, and making up a slightly elaborate lie to his mom about who you are? He could have just said you were a friend visiting, why the whole “guitar” student thing. Remember, every hour you spend with this guy is an hour less from the guy you’re waiting for.

    I was dating this guy when I was 14 and I didn’t really like him the way he liked me. But I gave it a chance and it ended only because I moved out of the country. After that experience, I became extremely picky with men because I wanted someone that *I* wanted and the feeling had to be mutual. Even though a couple of guys wanted to date me, I didn’t pursue it because I already knew they weren’t what I was looking for. And after a few years, I finally found my current boyfriend. And I’m so glad he was the one I gave myself to–it was the best decision I ever made and I knew he cared about me and who I was.

    You are worth loving :) It will take time but finding someone who will love you just as much as you will love them is one of the greatest feelings ever. Its well worth the wait :) So drop this guy, and as Dear Wendy says “MOA” (move on already)!

    • You’re right about the ‘guitar’ story… I found it a bit immature. I could have just simply been a friend. I know to take things at my own pace with him and if we are to go out again, I will make sure it’s a proper date where we go out somewhere and get to know each other more. If he’s not feeling that, I guess onto the next!

      That’s great to hear about you and your current boyfriend. I really hope I can find someone like that to fully give myself to, knowing he deeply cares about me. Thanks for the great insight.

  4. The funny thing when I met him is that I was really only looking to have a boyfriend for the summer.. I was tired of being single and I just wanted to have fun. I wasn’t really looking into going into a serious relationship (not that I wanted a one-night stand either).

    You’ll find someone =)

    • Thanks for your insight! You’re right. We’ve been on several dates since this post but I really wouldn’t call them dates… except for the most recent time we spent together before I went away (went toboganning). We had such a great time and then I went on vacation for one week. I got home on Sunday and he had become very distant which caught me off guard. He’s not made one effort to get together. I think I’ve come to the conclusion I deserve better and he was just looking for one thing as much as I wish it weren’t true.

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